I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
