drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
