Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She just used a chaser for red wine.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
