everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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