Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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