I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
