Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
