so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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