When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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