I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
