She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
