I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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