I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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