I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
