While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
