if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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