I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
