i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
