Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
