Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am midnight drunk by noon
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
