i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
