he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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