apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
