We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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