We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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