Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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