dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
