My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
