I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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