Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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