she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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