Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Randomize
