I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
