I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
whose parrot is this?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
