It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
