wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They took my balls.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
