the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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