I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
