Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
