Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The Olympian is in my bed
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
