either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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