nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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