I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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