The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
