He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
