This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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