I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
