Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
