how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
