I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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