I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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